Unwrapping Grief
Recognizing Grief is Present
When the holidays come around, we often expect that we’ll experience joy, excitement, and boundless energy. We buy into the idea that we’re supposed to act this way anytime we’re with others - and if we don’t feel joyful, we should fake it. When we feel sad, worried, or exhausted, we wonder “what’s wrong with me?”, and then we tuck those emotions in a deep, secret place. Trying to meet the social or family expectations makes it tough to prioritize our real emotional needs and take good care of ourselves.
One of the most common myths about the holidays is that there is no place for grief. Even in the most picturesque holiday moments we might find ourselves feeling hollow. Grief during the holidays can show up related to any kind of loss, even if that loss is ambiguous. Grief can be the loss of a loved one, a major transition, the absence of traditions, routines, or familiar joys. Holiday blues can be unclear, undefined, and show up when we least expect it.
Grief has always been under the tree - we wrapped it up, hoping that would be enough.
Unwrapping Grief
Grief of any kind is tough to deal with, and we find ourselves confused about how to hold space for the immense sadness we feel while trying to recognize that hope and joy still exist. As a society, we have not created space for grief in our holidays and traditions, so we often push it into hidden corners. Yet like a luminaria, grief continues to burn. Waiting for you to see its light - to follow it.
We isolate ourselves with our grief, because we’re afraid we’ll ruin other people’s holiday cheer - and who wants to deal with that? So - we sit alone with it. We try to escape grief and loneliness by using coping strategies (like social media perhaps) only to realize it’s not providing the temporary relief it once did.
Grief is a part of our healing process and a normal part of the pain associated with loss.
Creating Space for Grief
How can we tend to ourselves in these moments? In what ways can we be more honest and loving with ourselves and those around us?
Set healthy boundaries around the holidays. You do not have to carry on with every holiday tradition as you might. Throughout our lives we change traditions, eliminate them, and create new ones. This is expected and normal over time - and I would argue it’s essential when we find ourselves in a place of grief, overwhelm, and unhappiness.
Focus on what you can control during this time. As an example, that holiday music can just hit the wrong nerve. You have permission to turn it off or not participate in holiday events! Life goes on for other people during the holidays, and that is okay too. You can control how you celebrate this time and honor your own emotional journey.
Develop a new tradition. In a friend’s family, they create an ornament for family members that have passed within the last year. It gives them time to create meaningful objects, relate with shared stories of fond memories, and then gently and tightly pack it away knowing that in a year, they will see them again. What can you create this year within your own holiday and/or traditions that give meaning and space to your grief?
Ask for help. It’s totally okay to remind your loved ones that you are struggling right now, and you would appreciate understanding and connection. One of the important lessons we learn through grief is that it’s meant to connect us to others. Grief can bring people together as we take good care of each other and ourselves.
Whatever you are feeling, it’s totally appropriate at this moment. It’s not normal to feel happy all the time. We are human, and we experience an array of emotions throughout a given day and week. It’s time we acknowledge and honor our feelings, using them to respect our needs for additional care or support. Make space for you.