How to Talk to Your Teen About the Siege of the U.S. Capitol
January 8th, 2021
A note from our team:
We are disgusted and horrified by the events that occurred in Washington, DC. We are stunned, but in no way shocked. We all deserve to live in a land that is free from white supremacy, racism, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, and misogyny. Countless atrocities occurred, and the brazen hijack of our democratic process was the culmination of hundreds of years of systemic injustice and white privilege, brought to an apex of violence spurred by the false truths and horrific “leadership” of Donald Trump. The events on the 6th of January again emphasized on broad display the double standard of police enforcement between those in the majority (White, Cis-, het) and those who hold minority identity in the United States, particularly Black Americans, as seen during the Black Lives Matters movement. We recognize that this is not a matter for police reform alone, but rather a call for radical systemic changes within our country to address the long-standing history of bias, violence, persecution, and killing of non-(majority) persons in our country and abroad.
We acknowledge that we (the three therapists writing this message) hold a great deal of privilege. Today, our privilege is evidenced by the fact that we feel stunned and horrified by the events that occurred at the Capitol on Wednesday. For us, these feelings showcase the fact that we (the writers) have lived many days of our lives without the daily trauma of white supremacy and systemic racism that impacts so many Americans.
- Benjamin Finlayson, MFTC, Shelly Smith LMFT, and Jen Labanowski, LMFT
How do we take care of our teenagers?
PLEASE NOTE: We recommend that you keep your strategy age-appropriate. We’ve included some examples of how you may engage your teen in discussions about this week’s events, but we acknowledge that every child is different and you know your child best. The strategies listed below are meant for somewhat mature teenagers, but you may find that this advice could be emotionally advanced for your teen. If this is the case, we recommend that you read our article on HOW TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT THE SIEGE OF THE U.S. CAPITOL, and adjust your approach accordingly.
FOR TEENAGERS IN MIDDLE/HIGH SCHOOL
Offer comfort and a sense of safety on their terms. As much as possible, provide them with some sense of safety and stability: offer a hug, remind them they can rely on adults who love them, encourage them to talk to trusted friends and adults about their feelings and thoughts, or help them find safety and hope in support groups and organizations that affects change in a positive, meaningful way. Let them know you are willing to take time to listen.
Be honest and provide information. At this age your kids have access to a lot of information and other people so don’t lie to them. In an effort to protect our children and ourselves, we may bend the truths of events or minimize it. At this age it’s particularly important to be honest with your kids about the seriousness of the situation. By talking to them honestly about the world, we can help them process their feelings and discuss how these events affect their sense of values, justice, and morality.
Help them understand the language:
Riot - A violent disturbance of the peace
Protest - An expression and objection to what someone has said or done
Domestic Terrorism - Violent, criminal acts committed by individuals and/or groups to further ideological goals stemming from domestic influences, such as those of a political, religious, social, racial, or environmental nature.
Insurrection - A violent uprising against an authority or government
Teach them about the real world. These kids are going to be adults soon and are old enough to learn about the world we live in. We try to always balance realism with hopeful tomorrows and empowerment.
The Black Lives Matter movement was heavily persecuted and brutalized by law enforcement - protesters were met with strong resistance. But we know there is a difference between a protest and a riot. BLM was protesting the systemic racial inequality that continues to put the lives of minorities at risk - whether it is housing, prison systems, finance, education, etc.
The events at the capitol were a riotous insurrection. It involved people who are struggling to accept that racial, religious, and social equality is essential, and in feeling threatened, those people found it appropriate to storm our sacred democratic process.
If they want to walk away for while, let them. These conversations are overwhelming, and they may not be in a place emotionally to have a lengthy talk. Let them set the pace if possible and naturally break it into smaller conversations, so they have time to process.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself.
It can feel uncomfortable to take time to check in with yourself, but it’s important to process your emotions and find a way to restore. Like your teen, you are likely overwhelmed with witnessing the siege of the U.S. Capitol. Questions of “How?” and “Why?” and “What?!?” are constantly swirling in our minds too, as our foundation has been deeply shaken.
SOME SUGGESTIONS:
Take time to step away from social media. You are likely seeing a lot of passionate posts - the compulsion to keep checking for updates is draining.
Create space to process. Whether you journal, build, run, or craft - create something that can ground you in your process right now. Engage in deep breathing exercises and take time to slow down.
Take a sick day. If you can afford to do so, please give yourself a day (or more) if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes the structure of work provides normalcy and routine that can help. But sometimes acting normal can feel unreal, “Are we just going to act like this didn't happen?”
Reach out. Whether it is your partner, a spouse, a therapist - connect with someone you trust and relate with their processing. Know that you are not alone in these feelings. Our sense of reality and stability has been stripped away. You are not overreacting.