How to Talk to Your Kids About the Siege of the U.S. Capitol
January 8th, 2021
A note from our team:
We are disgusted and horrified by the events that occurred in Washington, DC. We are stunned, but in no way shocked. We all deserve to live in a land that is free from white supremacy, racism, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, and misogyny. Countless atrocities occurred yesterday, and the brazen hijack of our democratic process was the culmination of hundreds of years of systemic injustice and white privilege, brought to an apex of violence spurred by the false truths and horrific “leadership” of Donald Trump. The events on the 6th of January again emphasized on broad display the double standard of police enforcement between those in the majority (White, Cis-, het) and those who hold minority identity in the United States, particularly Black Americans, as seen during the Black Lives Matters movement. We recognize that this is not a matter for police reform alone, but rather a call for radical systemic changes within our country to address the long-standing history of bias, violence, persecution, and killing of non-(majority) persons in our country and abroad.
We acknowledge that we (the three therapists writing this message) hold a great deal of privilege. Today, our privilege is evidenced by the fact that we feel stunned and horrified by the events that occurred at the Capitol on Wednesday. For us, these feelings showcase the fact that we (the writers) have lived many days of our lives without the daily trauma of white supremacy and systemic racism that impacts so many Americans.
- Benjamin Finlayson, MFTC, Shelly Smith LMFT, and Jen Labanowski, LMFT
Talking To Your Kids About the Capitol Siege
PLEASE NOTE: We recommend that you keep your strategy age-appropriate, while remembering that you are the expert on your own child. We’ve included some examples of how you may engage your children in discussions about this week’s events, but we acknowledge that every child is different and YOU KNOW YOUR CHILD BEST. For strategies and advice on HOW TO TALK TO YOUR TEEN ABOUT THE SIEGE OF THE U.S. CAPITOL, please click here.
FOR CHILDREN IN PRESCHOOL/EARLY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
Acknowledge that something is going on. Kids at this age may not have the words to describe what they are feeling - but we promise - they are aware that tension is there.
Use simple feelings language. Help kids identify and name how they’re feeling by using words (worried, sad, upset). Pay attention to physical body signs to notice shifts in your child's processing (tummy aches, restlessness, mood swings). This can help you figure out what they need most in those moments (a hug, calm breathing, a gentle story or song).
Offer a simple explanation that honors feelings and the events. At this age, they don’t need to see many images or hear details. Use their questions as a guide to how much information you provide. For example: “There are rules that we as adults all agreed not to break, but a lot of people got together and broke some very big rules and your parents are feeling upset right now”
Use an analogy to help them understand. This might sound like “I want you to imagine a bunch of kindergarteners got together and barged into the principal's office and kicked them out and said ‘this is my office now.’”
Give them strong reassurance. Kids will differ in how receptive they are and what they need but all need to feel the stability and safety that you provide. Some may want to talk or play, some may need tight hugs, while others need to stick closely to their normal routine. If your child enjoys physical signs of affection, like a big bear hug, bring them into your embrace, reminding them that you are there for them. We want to reinforce their secure base. For example: “I will protect you and though there are scary things in the world, I am here for you to love and guide you through them. The world has so many joys, like blooming flowers, that remind us that better tomorrows are possible.”
Don’t be surprised (or upset) if you see some regression. Sometimes during traumatic events, we see regression in behaviors - this is normal. Take a deep breath. Often, this is your kid’s body trying to process high levels of stress. These are moments where we can lean in and ask deeper questions with our kids - “what are you feeling?”, “what questions do you have?”, and “what are you noticing?” If possible, make sure any visual images are age-appropriate. As hard as it is to hear about traumatic events, seeing it can be more difficult.
FOR CHILDREN IN LATE ELEMENTARY/EARLY MIDDLE SCHOOL
Offer information. In late elementary, kids are learning more about the world around them, and the malleable part of their brain is growing and abstract concepts are becoming more understandable. They can begin to grasp more than younger children.
Be honest. Sometimes we either protect our kiddos too much, leading to a lack of awareness and understanding, or we provide too much information, leading kids to feel scared and hopeless. By talking to them honestly about the world, we can help them process their feelings about it. Allow their questions to guide how much you share with them at any one time.
Acknowledge differences. Kids can see differences - race, religion, sexuality. We can no longer dismiss our children as not being cognizant that differences exist among us. We can celebrate, respect, and appreciate our differences.
If they want to walk away, let them. These conversations are overwhelming, and they may not be in a place emotionally to have a lengthy talk. Let them set the pace if possible and naturally break it into smaller conversations, so they have time to process.
Provide them with some sense of safety. Just like with younger children, school age kids need strong reassurance from the adults they trust. Hugs, time spent together, words of comfort and reassurance can go a long way toward stabilizing them in a world that feels unsafe.
FOR STRATEGIES AND ADVICE ON HOW TO TALK TO YOUR TEEN ABOUT THE SIEGE OF THE U.S. CAPITOL, PLEASE CLICK HERE.
Don’t Forget to Take Care of Yourself
It can feel uncomfortable to take time to check in with yourself, but it’s important to process your emotions and find a way to restore. Like your child, you are likely overwhelmed with witnessing the siege of the U.S. Capitol. Questions of “How?” and “Why?” and “What?!?” are constantly swirling in our minds too, as our foundation has been deeply shaken.
SOME SUGGESTIONS:
Take time to step away from social media. You are likely seeing a lot of passionate posts - the compulsion to keep checking for updates is draining.
Create space to process. Whether you journal, build, or craft - create something that can ground you in your process right now. Engage in deep breathing exercises and take time to slow down.
Take a sick day. If you can afford to do so, please give yourself a day (or more) if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes the structure of work provides normalcy and routine that can help. But sometimes acting normal can feel unreal, “Are we just going to act like this didn't happen?”
Reach out. Whether it is your partner, a spouse, a therapist - connect with someone you trust and relate with their processing. Know that you are not alone in these feelings. Our sense of reality and stability has been stripped away. You are not overreacting.