let’s reflect.
At Good Human Work, we believe that real change takes time. We learn, we reflect, we practice change, we rest, we repeat.
April 1, 2024
Masculinity and Emotions
At Good Human Work, we believe that real change takes time.
We learn, we reflect, we practice change, we rest, we repeat.
This week, we are focused on the human need to connect.
Let’s learn.
Fiction:
“Men are hardwired for toughness”.
Fact:
“Men are hardwired for humanity and love, then re-programmed by their relationships, environment, and society.”
As therapists we often hear questions like, “How do I help my husband open up to me?” or “How do I deal with my partner being a ‘momma’s boy’?”
On the surface these can be read one way, but what we really hear behind them is the emotional disconnect. It sounds to us like a deep longing for meaningful connection.
These questions are filled with hidden messages about how our culture teaches what it means to be “masculine”. It’s important to understand this, so we can provide the safety that our partners need in order to be open to connection and authenticity.
Hetero-masculinity relates to the implicit and explicit messages that we create as a culture, and they define what it means to be A) heterosexual and B) masculine. The questions are an example of how much it can hurt everyone involved.
Let’s reflect.
These messages often start at a very young age - think gender reveal parties or gifting babies with a football hoping to raise the next linebacker. Then as kids grow, we exchange the doll they held with a truck and tell them “there’s no need to cry”. Later in adolescence, we offer messages about what defines “sissy stuff” or other harmful stereotypes that typically center around “demasculinizing” the person.
Though we may not immediately see the potential harm, what we know from research is that it creates a very narrow pathway for men to express themselves emotionally and physically.
Men learn to invalidate or turn away from their normal, human experience which has significant effects on their health and relationships in adulthood. A therapist we know described it this way, “If I was called a momma’s boy growing up, I knew two things: one - yes I was because I loved my mom, and two - I would have to fight them to prove my ‘maleness.’”
Unhealthy Flight or Fight
The stigma for men around mental health is heavy. Not teaching men how to process and connect with their emotional self can leave them isolated from the support and connection that all people need and desire.
We have conditioned men to view emotions as a field of landmines that sometimes leads to what they want but more frequently leads to an explosion of ridicule and shame for not being “strong”. This leaves men with two unhealthy options: flight (avoid, subdue, withdraw) or fight (explode, escape, release).
The World Health Organization found more than 6 million men in the United States experience symptoms of depression and more than 3 million wrestle with anxiety disorder.
Yet despite these numbers, men are far less likely to receive formal mental health support.
Further, we know that men are 3x more likely than women to die by suicide. In 2018 alone, men died by suicide by 3.56 times the rate of women (WHO, 2018).
Let’s practice change.
Healing this pattern first involves recognizing our human capacity to love and feel in many ways. We have told men the “proper way” to regulate their emotions is by only experiencing happy, mad, or “fine”, then we get frustrated when we can’t connect more deeply to each other. We all need to learn to do this differently.
Here are a few ways to shift the pattern and help with healing:
Meet Men On Their Court: Men, you often have some outlet such as sports, hobbies, or other activities that allows for emotional release. We can first meet you on your terms if you let us. So loved ones, ask yourself, where do they find emotional safety currently, and how can I ask for permission to join them there?
Normalize the Experience: Normalizing the experience and physical expression of emotion can help you and your partner form secure attachments. This needs to be done thoughtfully. For example, rather than saying, “Wow, are you crying right now?” try simply a “loving touch” that acknowledges you see them and you love them for it and through it.
Listen Differently: Understanding your loved one’s love language can help you understand them more intimately and emotionally. It opens us to conversations about how we see, feel, and express our love toward our self and human to human.
Speak Kindly: What language are you speaking? Saying phrases such as “momma’s boy” reinforce stereotypes while restricting our emotions and human experience. Our words enforce and deliver strong messages about our implicit feelings. We need to challenge our assumptions about emotions and about what has been wrongfully taught to us about what it means to be a man.
It’s time to be real. Let’s give men (and our boys growing up) the chance to be fully human and connect deeply, emotionally, in their relationships.
Masculinity is a construct. Being “masculine” can and should look many different ways and encourage people to be fully human.
Humanness is real, powerful, and capable of so many complex things. If we allow men to lead with love and emotion, rather than shutting it down, we all benefit from meaningful connection and healthy relationships.
It’s hard work but worth it. And remember, we’re here to help you get through it.
