Difficult Conversations
Tough conversations can overwhelm and exhaust us, especially when we strongly disagree with the people we care about. Talk about healthcare, racism, political misinformation, economic uncertainty, and isolation has been nearly unavoidable lately, and as we head into the holiday season, it’s about to rise to a whole new level. Many of us are feeling fear, or even dread, as we prepare for tough conversations that are likely to happen when we gather around the table.
Our apprehension to have these tough talks with loved ones comes from our desire to maintain a connection to them, while staying true to ourselves.
The amount of vulnerability and trust required in these types of conversations can be scary. Our impulse can lead us to two options: A - we lose it, or B - we do nothing. There is, however, a secret “Option C”. This option allows us to address important issues while keeping relational ties.
To make Option C successful, there’s some prep work we need to do. As always, the best place to start is with yourself, even when it’s hard. For example, when we’re learning more about social justice and racism, it’s normal to experience feelings of sadness, anger, or even disgust - and it’s important to process these further. What’s beneath the feeling that’s coming up? What message is our heart telling us?
In the therapy room, we often refer to the “wheel of emotions”. This wheel shows our basic emotions (e.g. anger, joy, sadness) and the emotions that lie just beneath that (e.g. critical, accepted, disappointed). When we “blow a gasket” it’s likely that we are immediately responding through the basic emotions we are feeling - instead of allowing ourselves the chance to listen to love and explore what’s really going on inside.
Once we’re aware of where our emotions are and how we express them, this can help us better maintain connection with our loved ones while speaking honestly. The way we connect and come together is often through shared emotional experiences, particularly around hurts and fears. This is why these conversations are so hard!
When we’re afraid, it’s difficult for our bodies to process new information - our hormones shift and it leads to lower memory and learning abilities, making it almost impossible to understand what someone is trying to explain to us. So, we need to disengage fear and engage empathy.
When we engage empathy, we are reminded of our own process of emotional discovery. We are reminded that we are confused, tired, scared, frustrated, and maybe even distant. Speaking from our heart to share these secondary emotions allows us to lean into our relationships and lead with love.
We can speak our truth and do it in a way that hopefully connects us rather than divides us.
The fact is, when we feel that disconnect with others, it’s likely that we’re scared about the same things yet seeing solutions in different ways. If we can get to those shared experiences, we are more likely to have meaningful conversations while maintaining the connection to loved ones who we are not ready to lose.