Creating Healthy Boundaries for the Holidays

At Good Human Work, we believe that real change takes time. We learn, we reflect, we practice change, we rest, we repeat.

Let’s learn.

The winter holiday season is often portrayed as a time of rest, reconnection, and restoration. However, the winter holiday season can also bring incredible amounts of stress, conflict, grief and burnout. So how do we achieve the former while protecting ourselves from the latter? Boundaries.

We hear about boundaries all the time. We know we have to have them. We know we have to respect them. And now we’re hearing that they might be the secret to health and happiness at the holidays. Before we dive into healthy holiday boundaries, let’s first learn a bit about healthy boundaries in general.

We deserve healthy boundaries in all our relationships.

In our relationships, boundaries are the lines that separate “us” from “other”. If these invisible lines are weak, we put ourselves at risk for taking on too much stress from other people. This can lead to anxiety and burnout. If our boundaries are too rigid, we can feel disconnected and out of touch with the people we love. In our careers, relational boundaries are the lines that define what we accept and what we do not accept. You’ve probably heard the adage “you teach people how to treat you”. Although it may be cliché, it’s also extremely true - especially when it comes to boundaries in the workplace. By taking a look at the boundaries in all our relationships, we can decide whether we’re letting people in too much or whether we’re keeping them out unnecessarily. Healthy boundaries can look very different across relationships.

Let’s reflect.

Building, enforcing, and maintaining boundaries in our lives can be an eye-opening and life-altering exercise. Let’s establish honest expectations upfront and say that boundary work requires intentional effort and is ongoing.

How do we create and maintain healthy boundaries at the holidays?

Around the holidays, it isn’t unlikely that we will engage in difficult conversations with our loved ones. Tough conversations can overwhelm and exhaust us, especially when we strongly disagree with the people we care about. Talk about healthcare, racism, political misinformation, economic uncertainty, and isolation has been nearly unavoidable lately, and as we head into the holiday season, it’s about to rise to a whole new level. Many of us are feeling fear, or even dread, as we prepare for tough conversations that are likely to happen when we gather around the table. 

Our apprehension to have these tough talks with loved ones comes from our desire to maintain a connection to them, while staying true to ourselves. In the therapy room, we often refer to the “wheel of emotions”. This wheel shows our basic emotions (e.g. anger, joy, sadness) and the emotions that lie just beneath that (e.g. critical, accepted, disappointed). When we “blow a gasket” it’s likely that we are immediately responding through the basic emotions we are feeling - instead of allowing ourselves the chance to listen to love and explore what’s really going on inside. 

Once we’re aware of where our emotions are and how we express them, this can help us better maintain connection with our loved ones while speaking honestly. The way we connect and come together is often through shared emotional experiences, particularly around hurts and fears. This is why these conversations are so hard! 

Let’s practice change.

When we’re afraid, it’s difficult for our bodies to process new information - our hormones shift and it leads to lower memory and learning abilities, making it almost impossible to understand what someone is trying to explain to us. So, we need to disengage fear and engage empathy. 

When we engage empathy, we are reminded of our own process of emotional discovery. We are reminded that we are confused, tired, scared, frustrated, and maybe even distant. Speaking from our heart to share these secondary emotions allows us to lean into our relationships and lead with love. 

We can speak our truth and do it in a way that hopefully connects us rather than divides us.

The fact is, when we feel that disconnect with others, it’s likely that we’re scared about the same things yet seeing solutions in different ways. If we can get to those shared experiences, we are more likely to have meaningful conversations while maintaining the connection to loved ones who we are not ready to lose.

That fact remains, though, is that we also cannot explain ourselves to people that are committed to misunderstanding us. As we engage in boundary work and create moments to connect with our loved ones, there may be moments or conversations where we need to either walk away or redirect the conversation to a different subject. It’s hard work, but it’s worth it.

And now, let’s rest.

Want to discuss your particular situation with a licensed therapist?