What are healthy boundaries?
We hear about boundaries all the time. We know we have to have them. We know we have to respect them. But do we actually know what healthy boundaries look like?
In our relationships, boundaries are the lines that separate “us” from “other”. If these invisible lines are weak, we put ourselves at risk for taking on too much stress from other people. This can lead to anxiety and burnout. If our boundaries are too rigid, we can feel disconnected and out of touch with the people we love. By taking a look at the boundaries in our relationships, we can decide whether we’re letting people in too much or whether we’re keeping them out unnecessarily.
Let’s learn about healthy boundaries.
When we talk with clients about interpersonal boundaries, we sometimes use the the metaphor of backyard fences. We ask them to visualize an imaginary neighborhood where all of the people in their lives (family, friends, coworkers, etc.) are their neighbors. We ask them to imagine that all of their “neighbors” have adjoining backyards, with various types of fences to differentiate and separate each individual’s property.
In this metaphor, different types of fences are used to provide different levels of separation and protection. In real life, different types of interpersonal boundaries are used to provide different levels of separation and protection. Sometimes, we may find that the interpersonal boundaries that we hold are inadequate. In these cases, we may feel uneasy, exposed, violated, or anxious. In other situations, we may find that the interpersonal boundaries that we hold are excessive. In these cases, we may feel disconnected, isolated, depressed, or lonely.
By utilizing a visual metaphor to evaluate our interpersonal boundaries, we are better able to understand and improve our emotional and relational health. This metaphor allows us to process and communicate our needs, to set concrete goals, to create strategies for change, and to evaluate our progress toward our goals.
Let’s visualize a few different types of healthy boundaries.
You + Stranger:
When two strangers meet, healthy interpersonal boundaries could be represented by a 10-foot stone wall. Neither person knows about what’s happening on the other side of the wall. If, for example, a dog fight were to break out in one backyard, the neighbor would not be in danger and they probably wouldn’t even know what happened.
You + Coworker:
With coworkers, healthy interpersonal boundaries could be represented by a 6-foot board on board fence. They can each see and hear through the fence if they get up close, but they also have a good amount of privacy. If a dog fight were to break out in one backyard, the neighbor might hear it and could call for help, but the neighbor’s safety is not at risk.
You + Friend/Family:
With close friends or family members, healthy interpersonal boundaries could be represented by a 3-foot picket fence. The backyards are clearly defined, but each person can see and hear what’s going on in their neighbor’s backyard. If a dog fight were to break out in one backyard, the neighbor is going to see it and hear it. The picket fence might provide a little protection, but there’s a chance those dogs can jump over the fence, so neither neighbor is going to feel relaxed.
You + Partner:
With committed, long-term partners, healthy interpersonal boundaries could be represented by a row of hedges. It’s a clear dividing line between backyards, but each person can easily access their neighbor’s yard. And if a dog fight breaks out in one backyard, the neighbor is absolutely going to be impacted.
Let’s practice change.
The visual representation of boundaries can actually be pretty helpful. If you’re finding yourself losing sleep at night because your coworker is getting a divorce and your college friend is going through a bad breakup, you might need to evaluate whether the fences in your life are adequate. On the flip side, if you’re feeling lonely and disconnected from the people in your life and you’re not able to communicate, you might need to think about whether the fences in your life are excessive.
If we are protecting too much, let’s try…
…sharing more. Sacrificing our needs to make sure others are comfortable is not sustainable. If we do not tell people how to care for us, how can we expect them to do it?
…trusting ourselves again. Communicating our boundaries requires vulnerability. Are we willing to trust ourselves that we can allow those close to us into that space so they can meet our needs?
…starting small. Boundaries require a little adjustment too. Opening up the gate to someone can feel overwhelming with vulnerability. Find a small way to start the change process toward you ideal new boundaries. This could look like sharing about your frustrations during the day or something that made you smile on a drive.
If we are not protecting enough, let’s try…
…setting social limits. And let’s not forget to enforce them! We do not have to go to every event that we are invited to attend. Our bodies do a pretty great job of telling us when we are “spent” and need to recharge.
…being direct. It may sound “harsh” but when we connect with empathy, we can share and ask for what we need directly. It is important to avoid “guessing games”.
…giving yourself grace. Not everyone will be thrilled you’ve set new boundaries. But their frustration with your protection is not your responsibility. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself.
Working on boundaries is an ongoing process. We need to check in with ourselves to make sure that we have created boundaries that are healthy for us and attuned to those around us as well. If we feel like our boundaries are inadequate or excessive, it may be time for a change.