Vulnerability Doesn’t Have to be Scary
‘Vulnerability’ is a word that tends to heighten anxiety in many of us. The word ‘vulnerability’ has natural connotations of danger and risk. At the same time, we hear about how it’s good to be vulnerable and that being vulnerable is what allows people to TRULY connect with us. Oftentimes, when we attempt to be more vulnerable, we’re deterred by the risk of opening ourselves up to possible harm.
BUT WHAT IF VULNERABILITY DIDN’T HAVE TO BE SO SCARY?
Many of us avoid sharing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences due to fear of judgment, shame, or isolation.
We’re afraid of others’ reactions and how it will affect our relationships.
We’re afraid of how it will shape their perceptions of us.
We’re afraid that we’ll be seen as “broken” or "a mess”.
Unfortunately by trying to protect ourselves and avoid vulnerability, we’re often left with relationships that are less meaningful, satisfying, and connected.
When we increase vulnerability, we improve communication, increase empathy, strengthen bonds and decrease conflict. If we work to understand our personal barriers to vulnerability, we can then do the work to remove these barriers and improve connection. If we take a simplistic look at human beings, one could argue that there are two emotions at our deepest core - only two emotions that motivate all of our behavior - fear and love.
VULNERABILITY IS
RESTRICTED BY FEAR
AND
RELEASED BY LOVE
When we listen to love over fear, we’re much more able to let ourselves be vulnerable…
Try Challenging Fear with Love
Fear says:
If I open up, I’ll be told that my thoughts/feelings/experiences are INCORRECT.
Love says:
I know that reality is subjective and it’s okay (and normal) if my thoughts/feelings/experiences do not match the person in front of me. The more we understand each other, the better things will be - even if we don’t agree.
Fear says:
If I open up and admit any fault, flaw or wrongdoing, I’ll be blamed for EVERYTHING.
Love says:
It’s good that I have self-awareness and that I know that I’m not perfect. I also know that I’m a good person, and I have valid perspectives. I believe that the same is true for the person in front of me.
Fear says:
There’s no use in opening up and asking for change because this is HOW IT’S ALWAYS BEEN.
Love says:
It’s hard to break a longstanding pattern, but it absolutely can be done. I can use openness and softness to explain my experiences of the past and my hopes for the future. Chances are, the person in front of me will do the same. Together, we can create new patterns.
Fear says:
If I open up and admit that I’m experiencing sadness, pain, fear or insecurity, I will be seen as WEAK. If I am seen as WEAK, I’m more likely to get hurt. If I can hide my pain with anger, a fake smile, or the lie that “I’m fine”, I’ll be safe.
Love says:
I know that humans need other humans. When others know that I am hurting, I am much more likely to receive care and connection. I deserve care, and I need connection.
