The Power of Unplugging
Lately, it feels like every day family therapy clients are telling us about how 'addicted' their children, spouses, or friends are to their devices (phones, tablets, etc.). I feel like I’m continually hearing complaints about the hours people spend looking at screens and how little they interact with each other or the outside world.
You’ve probably seen articles and blog posts about this before - I know I have.
There is a growing body of literature and research on this topic which tells us we need to limit screen time for children, and limit our own as well. We often hear about the many reasons why it’s important for our physical and mental health, and for our children’s development. The effects on our relationships are equally troubling. It can feel like a tough balance because we are building connections through the phone as well - maybe responding to a text from a parent. Technology can have a negative effect on our relationships with the people we love. The truth is that when we have a device in our hands, we don’t interact with others in the same way and our relationships are often negatively impacted.
Screen time can easily cross the line from "reasonable technology use” to what we call a "process addiction” (also called a behavioral addiction). A process addiction is when a behavior “lights up” the reward center in our brain, which makes us feel good in that moment. We are more likely to repeat behaviors that make us feel good, whether they are really good for us or not. Technology (and all those pop-up notifications) has this affect on us, plus it’s constantly present, making it hard to avoid or ignore.
For the most part, I find that my clients are not asking “why” to limit screen time but rather, “how”. Typically, taking the device away from the child is the easy part, but finding alternative activities is the real challenge. Because, let’s be honest, it’s much easier to let our kids spend a few hours immersed in a screen when we need to be productive or take a break. What about our partner? How can we communicate to them that their phone use may stir feelings of disconnection in us without feeling “needy” or like a “helicopter”? Through noticing others tech use, we might even find that we’re a little addicted to our own devices - it’s often easier to mindlessly play a game on the phone or browse Facebook, than it is to find an off-screen coping skill to deal with stress.
Technology is not bad. We would not be where we are today without it! But, left to its own devices (ha), it can create a wedge in our relationships. Technology use can help us identify how we community and receive love and connection. When our partner is using their phone during a movie, perhaps we are feeling left out or not a priority. To their defense, maybe they did not know that we wanted a “tech free” night together. As we reflect this week on technology use, how do you see it in others? When do you feel the most frustrated about technology use? What needs may be speaking to us in those moments? Technology is not going anytime soon, however, we can create communication and boundaries around technology that strengthen our relationships.
So, how do we do it?
Make the decision together to unplug. It’s not fair to your partner or your kids to have screen limitations only for them. Plus, we want to model the behaviors we hope to see. When we make these decisions and model them together, it can increase accountability and trust that unplugging is important.
Here are a few ideas to get started:
Use alarms/reminders/timers if you tend to lose track of time. Turn off the screen when the timer goes off.
Have “no device” times or places in the house (e.g. mealtimes, before bed, dedicated partner/family time, in the bathroom, in the car, etc.)
Limit screen time to a set number of hours per day. Many smartphones now have settings to help you track hours spent on various apps and will notify you when you have exceeded the set number of hours on social apps.
Have “no screen days” for the entire family once in a while. Maybe it’s a specific day of the week, or weekend during the month. Or, during family trips, holidays, or other activities you can plan.
Have a morning routine that doesn’t involve screens until a certain time. When is the last time you allowed yourself to wake up with the sun? There is something to say about the way we feel when we allow our body and mind to slowly greet the day before inundating it with information. The way we start our day matters.
One of the worries many parents have (and feel guilty for saying it out loud) is this: “They'll drive me crazy. I need a break!" I agree - yes, you do. We all do. This is why I don’t think screens are all bad. Having screen time is fine for us and our kids. No one should be shaming exhausted parents for putting in a movie to distract their kids. We just need to have boundaries, so it doesn’t get out of hand.
Here are some ideas for what to do once you turn off and turn in:
Get bored! Boredom leads to creativity. It’s actually good for our brains - it encourages us to explore the world around us to satisfy that restlessness.
Encourage your kids to be creative and find a different activity. I repeat a similar list every time my kids say they’re bored and ask for something to do, and it goes like this, “read a book, look at the sky, play outside, make an art project, write a story, learn something, clean your room, sweep the floor, clean the bathroom sink, do the laundry, scrub the shower…” Occasionally, one of them is willing to clean something, so it pays off. Usually, they sigh deeply and wander off to find something else to do. The best part is that they rarely say these words anymore, because they know it won’t do any good. They usually just occupy themselves.
Spend 5 minutes of your time making a list of all the activities you and your partner can do together. Again, bring them in on this conversation and create moments where you both can explore each others interests!
Get outside, have an adventure, or try to enjoy the time you do have together (even when you’re exhausted).
