Restoring Trust in the Universe: Living After Trauma & Loss
How do we open our hearts after we’ve been hurt? Or feel joy after we’ve experienced heartbreak? Or feel alive when we’ve walked through times of darkness and loss?
Each person’s story is unique, but the experience of loss and pain, in some form, is universal. It may not be easy, but it is possible (and it’s never too late) to heal from the pain and restore our trust in the universe.
The process of healing and restoring trust can be daunting, but it feels especially hopeless and scary if we believe that we will never get through it, that we’re alone in the experience or that we somehow deserve the pain.
How do we walk toward healing and thriving?
Feelings like anger, anxiety and numbness are common responses to loss and traumatic events. When we judge ourselves for these feelings or push them away, we add another layer of suffering. In Buddhism this is often referred to as “the second arrow”. The first arrow is the difficult experience we have, often something we didn’t choose to experience. As we become more aware of our emotions and our reactions, we can notice when we’re shooting ourselves with the second arrow by telling ourselves we shouldn’t feel a certain way or berating ourselves for our reaction. The more generous and curious we can be with ourselves, the more our feelings are able to evolve.
After we’ve experienced something that makes us feel unsafe, disoriented, afraid or helpless, our brains try to protect us by giving us a heightened sense of danger in the world.
This is a mechanism of self-preservation, so that we can avoid being hurt again. Seeing the world as a dangerous place may be necessary and even helpful for some amount of time. However, when we continue to wear these fear-colored glasses, we may not recognize the people and places that are safe and trustworthy. We may miss opportunities for thriving, playfulness and creativity.
People are wired for connection.
Connection can be difficult when we have been hurt in a relationship that was supposed to be safe or when we feel shut down after heartbreak. We can find a point of connection in supportive relationships, but we can also find connection elsewhere, such as a connection with a pet, or a connection to nature. Starting small and simply is powerful. We can also find a point of connection in relationships with strangers. For example, therapy or a support group can offer us empathy, courage and a space for reflection as we do the hard work of healing. When you’ve found the right connection point, your body is likely to give you signals. You may feel a sense of calm or security, it might be easier to breathe, or you might even experience a light sensation of “melting” somewhere in your body.
When we experience a trauma, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a dream or a shift in our sense of identity, our life is absolutely changed. Trauma and loss often feel like a massive setback, from which we must then move forward. It can be helpful to remember that healing is a not so much of a march, but more of a dance. We move forward, then back, then step to the side, then forward again. It’s not linear, it’s not predictable (sometimes we might even feel a little dizzy) but the dance is beautiful and expressive.
Ways to restore trust:
Take care of your body: Your body needs rest and nourishment. After a traumatic event or loss, it’s not uncommon that we have trouble sleeping, or we miss a meal or two because our mind is elsewhere. Noticing these patterns is an important part of healing. Our brain is working hard to protect us and we need to show up for our body in the same way. A lack of sleep and poor nourishment can increase feelings of depression and anxiety. As our heart is going through a healing process - so is our body.
Talk and stay connected: Sometimes we fear reaching out to others because we don’t want to burden them with our problems saying, “They have enough to deal with.” But, we are humans in need of connection and support. Whether it’s talking to a friend or reaching out to a therapist, talking and staying connection reminds us we do not have to go through this alone.
Create a ritual to put the event in it’s place: When there are events that happen to us that doesn’t have a ritual, we have to create a way to offer some [closure]. Some people have found healing letters to be useful for them, or creating a memory box that they either keep on a shelf or burry deep in their yard.
Get back in a routine: This is not an effort to rush grief out the door - that is important to recognize. Getting back into a routine, however, can help pull feelings of normalcy back. These routines can be small tasks like sweeping the floor, taking out the garbage, or even opening the curtains in the morning.
Give yourself grace: Healing from trauma and loss is difficult. We may find ourselves at a coffee shop and realize that we are having a traumatic response to the environment. It is in these moments where we usually get frustrated because we aren’t “as far along a we thought.” Give yourself grace - restoring trust in the world takes time and it is not a linear process. Some days are better than others - and that is okay!