Suicide Loss and Complicated Grief
Grief is hard. In fact, grief is such a painful, gut-wrenching experience that we often try to avoid it. For many of us, it’s the part of being human that we likely dread the most, and when faced with it, we aren’t sure what to do. Whether it’s the loss of a job or the loss of a loved one, there is no “right way” to mourn.
Our well-intended friends or family may say, “You have to go on with your life.” or “You’re so strong!” or “Your loved one would want you to be happy.” Though meant to encourage optimism, all of these phrases may leave us feeling even more isolated and confused. It can be an incredibly lonely time.
Coping with a loss by suicide is particularly complex. There are no words that can accurately describe how we feel when we lose someone to suicide. The complicated feelings and thoughts can simply be overwhelming, and they may come in waves when we least expect it. Survivors of loss by suicide may feel similar emotions to those who grieve other losses but might also experience complex emotions including shock, shame, guilt, sadness, anger, confusion, and a range of others. It may feel like we’re walking around in a fog and bumping into feelings, thoughts, and people unexpectedly.
Unfortunately, survivors of loss by suicide must also confront the stigma of suicide while grieving. When we share stories of our loss, we may not receive the empathy or validation that we need, creating even more complexity around the grieving process. Connecting with others who have shared a similar experience can be meaningful and help us to remember we’re not alone.
Protecting Our Grief:
Give yourself time and space. Our tendency is to rush the grieving process. The reality is that we never “heal” from grief - we simply learn to cope with it. Knowing this can help us slow down and take the pressure off of “fixing” our sadness. Allow yourself the time to walk through your grieving process at a pace that feels right to you - not catering to someone else’s expectation.
Grief responses are unique. Allow yourself the grieving process that honors you. When coping with a death by suicide, it’s untimeliness can be hard for our bodies to register. We may not feel “grief” immediately - we may feel anger or confusion instead - that is okay! It’s normal to have a unique response to grief.
Make a ritual. Though many people practice some style of memorial or funeral service, creating a ritual that is unique to you (and your loved ones) can help center our grief. It allows us to channel our unresolved emotions in one place, as well as respect and honor the person we lost and our relationship to them. Perhaps you make a memory box that is displayed on a mantle, or an annual vacation meant to commemorate and celebrate the life of your loved one. Designing a ritual allows for intentional time to remember, grieve, and cope with loss.
Accept support. We’re all human. And we’re all in need of support from others. You get to choose the type of support you want and need, whether that comes from loved ones, support groups, or professionals.
Tap into your unique coping strategies. Journaling, meditation, music, art, talking, and exercise are examples of common coping strategies that help us express emotion and process our thoughts. It’s important to not hold it all inside and to let go of our thoughts and feelings in meaningful ways.
Know when to seek help from a professional. If you continue to wrestle with distressing thoughts or feel like your grief is perhaps shifting towards a more pressing anguish and you notice more physical symptoms, it may be time to reach out to a licensed therapist. Though grief may not “go away”, our unresolved grief can lead to complicated grief - resulting in increased difficulty resuming our regular routines and finding joy in life.
Model Coping and Emotions for Those Around You. Having someone die by suicide can impact an entire support network - family, friends, colleagues, etc. Modelling healthy methods of coping and emotional vulnerability can be powerful for those around us. Ultimately, it can help decrease the overall stigma surrounding mental health, grief, and loss by suicide.
While we’re talking today about the aftermath, as always, please remember it’s ok to bring up the conversation with others who you love and may be concerned about.
Here are some resources for those who may want help for themselves or to pass on:
Call *988 - Suicide Prevention Hotline
This Help Yourself page has an abundance of resources for how to find support for yourself, for others, and how to take good care of your mental health.
Take good care of yourselves.
