Healing the Cracks in Your Relationship
At times, we may find ourselves feeling stuck, fractured, and ready for a change. At Good Human Work, we believe that real change takes time. We learn, we reflect, we practice change, we rest, we repeat.
Let’s learn.
You’ve been here: You’re sitting on the couch with your partner, either staring straight ahead or down at your phones. The silence is thick. The space between you is sharp as you wait for them to notice that the two of you haven’t felt close for a really long time. Conversation is reduced to, “What do you want to watch?” as you keep your heart guarded from deeper conversation.
You’re wondering: “How did we get here? Will we ever move past this? Am I the only one that wants to actually do the work to make things better?”
Avoiding conflict in your relationship does not mean “we don’t have conflict”. What it usually means is we are slowly stepping back from our partners. Oftentimes, an unresolved need (such as validation, support, touch, or comfort) feels like an eggshell on the floor of our relationship. Each eggshell represents a hurt from a past interaction and a reminder that we need to be cautious. They usually start cracking and falling when we feel invalidated that our partner did not offer what we needed. It hurts and almost surprises us, because the perfection we’ve cast on our relationship is disrupted. Typically, we don’t mention it in the beginning. We drop the eggshell to the ground with the hope that this is a “one-time” moment, not realizing that we’ll have to be more cautious about the space between us. The idea of stepping toward our partner becomes more precarious and uncomfortable.
Each time we drop one of these eggshells to the ground, we also “step back” and pull away emotionally.
What we know as therapists is that this moment of stepping back from our partner can turn into a pattern of behavior, guiding each interaction with our partner. Rather than telling our partner that today was hard and we need support, our step-back response becomes, “It was fine.”
Let’s reflect.
Each of these step-back moments is a missed opportunity for connection. We want so deeply for our partner to pick up the eggshell, and along with it the unspoken message and hurt wrapped inside “It was fine”, but rather, they feel the disconnect and respond in kind. Often this is done to protect their heart or out of respect for the distance you seem to need. So they too, step back by responding with: “That’s good”. And you both move on, not realizing how the eggshells are accumulating around you. The ground becomes more fraught, and we begin living in a state of hesitancy and caution.
Over the long-term, dropping eggshells and stepping back can lead toward resentment with our partner. Each time we drop an eggshell and step back, we shift our perspective that we are the assumed hero of the relationship and pull away further.
But what resentment really does is shift our lens so that any repair attempts made by our partner - to break the isolation and show vulnerability - are seen as misguided and futile. When they pick up the shells to repair the hurt, we don’t see it. Did you notice they unloaded the dishwasher for you? Are you paying attention to the kindnesses and efforts of your partner? If not, these are early signs that resentment is building toward apathy.
It’s not too late though. We are aware of the eggshells which is a great first step. When we notice the hurt is affecting our relationship, what we do next matters. Some couples sweep the eggshells under a rug as if that removes them. Some couples argue about who threw the shells on the floor. Some couples have other complicated ways of trying to clean it up but end up with more shells in the end. Regardless, it’s messy and painful.
Let’s practice change.
First, take a few minutes to consider each of the following questions and write out your answers: What does communication mean to me? How do I know we are communicating well? What does it look like? What will I be doing? What would I notice my partner doing? When did I last feel like we were communicating at our best? Once you have these written down, it provides a snapshot of your “ideal” communication. When we rate on a scale from 1-10 how communication is going, this snapshot is your “10”. Next, use these three steps:
Explore. Now on a scale of 1-10, ask yourself: “Where am I today?” Each day may be different, and that’s ok. What was your number? Why was it as high as it was? What is keeping it from being higher? What things can you do to make it higher? When we do the work to explore, we eliminate restlessness and confusion.
Nourish. Spend a little time considering how you emotionally nourish one another. Some couples really enjoy how love languages offer an entrance to ask for what you need. What is your love language? What does it mean to have that language and what are you needing from your partner? What is your partner’s love language? Are there moments you saw your partner trying to make a repair attempt that went unnoticed? Was that their love language when they tried to show you their effort? In reflecting on your partner, there may be some real tears as you recognize the missed moments when they were trying to connect with you. When we do the work to nourish, we eliminate loneliness and disconnection.
Restore. Find time to have this conversation with your partner and invite them into the discussion. If possible, first have them independently go through this exercise too. When explaining your thoughts, using I-statements can help them understand where you are coming from and where you hope the conversation to go. Ask them what their responses to these questions may be and find at least one small thing you both can try to improve as you learn to recognize repair attempts in your relationship. When we do the work to restore, we increase our feelings of safety and security.
Hang in there. Relationships take work and cleaning up the eggshells can take a while. Over time, there are fewer eggshells and less caution about stepping forward toward each other. Having the deep, meaningful connection that you desire with your partner is well worth the time and effort. And if you ever decide that you need a little backup, we’re here for you.
